You don't get anything to eat the day before, except broth, clear liquids, and green or yellow Jello. So, like by 10AM you're starving. Look, I'm the first to admit I need to go a month without eating, but it still sucks anyway. Andrew and Dom come walking in with doughnuts, Chick-Fil-A breakfasts, pizza and Pollo Tropical for lunch, and there I am with my cup of Maggi Boullion. BITE ME!!! I get off work at 3 PM, because you have to consume 32, count 'em, 32 pills over the next several hours. 32 pills and a hundred gallons of water. Why? Because you gotta **** your f**king brains out so the Doc can stick this 10 Ft. camera up the Grand Wazoo.

4PM. Take four horse pills with water. Repeat every 15 minutes until 32 pills are consumed. F**k me.... I notice I'm down to two cigarettes. Man, if I'm gonna be sittin' at home with my ass parked on the toilet all night with no cigs, I GOTTA go get me some smokes. I'm wondering how long before the Willy Wonka Chocolate River was goiing to arrive. I get in my car, and get stuck in a traffic jam that ain't moving, get up to the next turn lane and hang a U-ie. Traffic everywhere but so far no sign of the liquid Brown Growler.

Finally find a 7-11. Grab my smokes, and I'm off again....5 minutes later it hits. The s**ts hit baby. I'm driving with my ass elevated off the seat with my cheeks pinched, people looking at me as if I was getting boned up the butt by the invisible man. I didn't care, I wasn't going to s**t myself. I make it home just when the second wave hits, and man, I gotta go bad at this point. I jump out of my car, and of course every neighbor is outside, and here I am walking like a duck to my front door. "Maintain Mick, maintain", I kept telling myself. Finally get through the door, throw the cigs across the room and park my ass on the toilet for what I would describe as "the ultimate release". Thank God I made it.