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He smiles at you from the stage, maybe
even dedicates a song to you, talks to you and only you during
his breaks. You exchange email addresses, myspace friends accounts,
you call each other's cell phones so you'll have each other's
numbers. A few drinks later, you're making out and maybe even
waking up the next day to see your handsome musician snuggling
between your sheets. Here's a quick guide to navigate you through
the next steps in your relationship with your musician:
1. Do
not attempt to rouse him before noon. He does
not know this "morning" of which you speak. His job
is from around 9 pm to at least 3 am, and if a group
wants to go to a strip club, he may roll in from his
gig around 5 am. He hasn't seen a sunrise in years, except
for the times when he rolls home as it's getting light
outside. Don't expect him to know what you do in the
daytime. Your job is a foreign concept to him. Don't
expect him to understand your deadlines, the fact that
your lunch hour is only one hour long, or your hassles
with your boss or co-workers. His eyes will glaze over
when you attempt to share your Real Job details with
him, so don't.
2. Those other three
skanky hos at your table are called Band Girlfriends
or Band Wives. They will alternately gossip, drink,
shout and applaud, drink, dance, drink, smoke, and yammer
at you during songs. You may not leave them for another
table. You may not argue or fight with them. You must
pretend to like them, even if you can't stand them. The
last thing your man wants to hear about is how his drummer's
wife is a female dog. The last thing he wants to see
from the stage is you not being "supportive." Stay at
your table and endure; you'll need them later (see #3
below). |
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3. Should you be unable to
attend every gig (being that you
have to be at your Real Job at 9 am) you should attend as many
weekend gigs as possible and remain at the Band Wife table
while you are there. Getting to know these other skanks will
insure that if your man plays a gig without you, he won't mess
around in front of what he thinks are your "friends." If
your musician does step out of line with another cutie, those
drunken skanks will make her extremely uncomfortable and put
the fear into your man that you will be told. Band Wives are
your best protection against cheating, aside from your solid
presence.
4. If your musician travels
out of town and you can't be with him, there will be
days when he doesn't call you. This may be
for a number of reasons, the main one being that he is in travel-mode
and assumes that you are okay. If he calls you every day and
then skips a night, but calls you the next night, he is probably
still on the up-and-up. If he calls you daily but then stops
halfway through the tour, he may have cheated. If he calls you
daily for cash because his crappy van lost its transmission somewhere
near Lima, Ohio, you can be sure that he still loves you and
can't wait to get home.
5. If your musician cheats
on you, don't stay with him. He will
not change, he'll just look for someone who makes him feel like
a rockstar without all the jealousy and drama of a real relationship.
6. Conversely, if you let
him go and never question what he's
doing at any time, he will believe that you are cool with him
doing whatever he wants. Make your rules for dating, including
cheating, clear to him, and if he wants to share your life, he
can come to you on your terms. Don't be afraid to use the Glare
Of Death towards some other chick, but don't DeathGlare him onstage,
even if he's got a skank sitting on his face while he plays the
guitar with his toenails. Tell him it was the best toenail-face-solo
you've ever seen, and then bully the skank in the bathroom and
make her leave the bar in tears. It's the only way.
7. Understand that his clothing
will always smell like burning rope. Even if he's not smoking the stuff, his friends are. If
you don't want it in your house, don't let him move in.
8. About letting him move
in: Don't. Surely you've heard the old joke, "What do you call a drummer who's between girlfriends...homeless!" It's
not a joke. When you allow a musician to move in, you are telling
him that it's okay if he doesn't work or contribute, clean, or
flush the toilet behind himself, because you love him and will
put up with all of that just to be his Band Girlfriend. Oh, and
don't clean, move, or otherwise touch his musical equipment in
any way, ever, even if you have to wedge past it just to get
in your own front door.
9. Say you've thrown him
out. Don't pawn, sell, throw away,
or otherwise deprive him of his equipment that he's left in your
house. Give him 10 days to remove it, and then rent a storage
unit in his name and give him the information and the key so
that he can reclaim it once he's found another girlfriend to
mooch off of.
10. This next one is critical:
DON'T EVER CRITICIZE HIS BAND or other band members. Sure, the guitarist is tone-deaf and only
knows one number on the volume dial (11). Yeah, his drummer couldn't
count to four if his life depended upon it. So his singer weighs
about ten pounds more than she can comfortably fit in her clothing,
or never knows what to say between songs, or just can't manage
that high note. So their songs grind at you like a dentist's
drill. It is NOT your place to acknowledge any of these flaws.
Even if he's ranting pissed-off because of any of these things,
listen in sympathetic silence and keep your own opinions to yourself.
It's like my mama, I can diss her but nobody else can. As soon
as he perceives that you're attacking his band, YOU are the enemy.
So don't.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman,
a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several
Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean,
a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese,
a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard,
a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a C...ypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a
Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a
Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn,
a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a
Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian,
a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner,
a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian,
a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook
Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban,
an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander,
a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan,
a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a
Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian,
a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian,
a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...
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Walk into a fine restaurant......"I'm sorry," says the maître
d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can't come in here without a Thai."
See Ya'll Next Month
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