What's your special?

Good evening sir, and welcome to Special Interests, where your way of thinking is always superior! Will that be smoking or non? Wonderful, do you prefer tipsy or teetotaler section? Ok, great. Are you folks married or would you prefer a singles table? I know sir, it is odd, but a study has just come out which says that it's been proven married people live longer then singles. After it's release a group called “BETROTHED (Barely Enduring The Realms Of This Hell Every Day) sued, saying their lives were being shortened by having to dine with happy, laughing single people. Yeah apparently Second Hand Joke can kill. Grrrrrreat..single then. Do you prefer missionary or doggie style? No, I'm sorry, non-poking is full, a lot of married people out tonight. If your date swallows there is immediate seating in the bar though!”

Sound outrageous? I don't think so. It seems everyone that considers themselves part of a special interest group wants to make sure they are treated equally, even if it means forcing their wishes on everyone else. Um, hello! Anyone see a problem here? I'm starting my own special interest group against special interests groups. Well, it might not be special, and it probably shouldn't be a group or I'd have to fuck with myself….although…that may alleviate another of my problems. Anyway the “I am special, TREAT me as such” sector gripes my ass. You want to be equal? Fine. I don't give a shit if your black, white, straight, gay, old or young .I'll probably give you shit. HA..no, what I mean is when your particular “interest” becomes the platform for your being you lose me. Example, Ellen Degenerous. She was funny until she came out. It wasn't the outing that killed her, it was her beating her into the carpet. Yes, WE KNOW YOU”RE GAY. now go get some Renuzit breath mints and shut the fuck up about it already! A local writer is bad about this. You may have read his stuff. Pretty recognizable. Pretty weak. Plug in whoever he's talking about and he's just so bored and gay and thinking how much cooler he is then them. Bill me if the gay thing isn't somewhere in the mane content. What's my problem with “special people” that really aren't that fucking special? Besides their elitist, snooty attitudes? Their tendencies to use that special bus pass to impose their will on others.

Yeah, you know which way the smoke it blowing. towards whiney non-smokers. That smoke is blowing so hard it would seem that they suck. Before you send me that email, I don't mean all non-smokers. I don't smoke. Suck? We'll leave that for another column. Somebody somewhere missed a glaring omission. What the hell happened to business owners rights? What about their “special interests”.i.e., staying in business. Personally, I think each individual business owner should decide if their venue is to be smoky or smoke free

Don't care for the fog at Smoke My Bones?

Head your happy ass on down to The Ox A Gin Project, where the air constantly filtered through a giant fan. “I have a right to go in there!” Yes, you do. I don't feel you should then have the right impose your will on everyone else. If smoke free establishments are so damn great you should have no problem finding caboodles of them to frequent. YOU go outside and get some fresh air. Don't send the smokers out there to contaminate it! How the hell will you ever make it to your snoot-mobile?

Ooooh, second hand smoke will kill me!!” Oooh, then keep your ass out! While you're out there you've got a better chance at being hit by a stolen bus piloted by a double jointed cousin. Seriously, do some research. Could I get some actual PROOF that second hand smoke kills? I said proof. Sentences containing the words “may have” “could have” and “are thought to” are not acceptable. It's the new reefer madness. “It makes my clothes stink”. Big fucking deal. So does the fat-ass sweaty drunk on your left and the beer you just spilled on yourself when he asked you to dance. Especially if you are male. (This may have also add the testosterone driven aromas of blood, bile, and the 33rd street delousing agent).

The point is a business owner should be able to decide if he or she would like their establishment to be completely non smoking or mixed. Or smokers only. “Hi. I.D., 5 bucks and your cigarette pack please. Sorry, smokers only. Maybe you can see Great White next time. Smoking show. Hey, no hard feelings..here are a couple of Hanson tickets. Only thing is you'll have to run through the smoking area to get there. I suggest you run like hell, and if you cant hold your breath long enough to get through the smoke, just it blow out your ass.” Work place smokers? I'm not dealing with that one. Fuck it, I will. I did the restaurant/bar thing for a long time. The smoking co-workers didn't bother me half as much as looking for the mother fuckers while they were off sneaking one.

“Excuse me, have you seen my server?”

No, but my guess is the ladies restroom, stall three sitting on the back of the throne so nobody sees her when the boss comes looking. Pot smokers are much easier. By the dumpster or in the freezer. I got fired from one shit hole for smoking pot out back. No big deal, more eggs down the road, but the bastards waited until I did all my side-work before they told me. The nerve. Killed THAT buzz. Went to a club the other night. The place was jumping, packed. I could barely get to the bar to get a drink. Outside. Once the band started it did pick up a bit in the place, but for the most of the evening the no those non-smoking elitists sat pretty much alone, smoke and company free in The Dead Zone.