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By Martin Chaddock
Harry is a retired city social worker that moonlighted as a
manager of a comedy club, stand up comedian and actor. He has
played bit parts here and there in independent films and lives
off of a city pension and barely gets by. Did I mention that
Harry is gay? Harry I would say is in his mid fifties, he is
blind as bat when it comes to reading his blackberry he literally
places the blackberry an inch from his eyes so he can read and
he refuses to invest in a pair of reading glasses or a fucking
magnifying glass. When you enter his comedy club as a paying
customer, he gets right in your face and immediately asks “Who
are you here to see”? John... Great, that’ll be ten
dollars. He gets right to the point. He will grunt and he will
groan about how fucking miserable he is and he will also point
out that he hasn’t written any new material in almost 20
years. I have seen his act so many times I threaten him all the
time with “Harry I am going to perform your act before
you go on without you knowing about it”. Harry was in one
of his shitty moods one day and the club was full and he said
to me “Martin” I need to get out onstage right now.
Martin, I need to get
out onstage right now
Harry
gets up on stage to a packed house and gets right to the
point... I got held up on the subway by a guy with an Uzi
twice in the same day for my Metrocard, after the second
hold up I said “Look Bitch” if you can afford
an Uzi, you can afford a fucking Metrocard. He also asks
the audience if there is anyone that works out? He usually
reels in a Jersey Shore type who immediately raises his
hand and he says good for you. When the Jersey Shore type
attempts to say something, he tells him to “Shut
the Fuck Up” and the audience goes wild.
He also
talks about how he heard about students giving blow jobs
on the school bus and he says, if there were blow jobs
on the bus when he went to school, he’d still be
in school. In fact, he would be driving the bus; in fact
he would drive the bus right to his house. Then he asks
the audience if they’ve ever been to London? When
someone says yes, they have been to London, he says, here
is my impression of a New Yorker who is stuck on the London
Tube (Subway)...
OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR...he yells |
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And again the crowd goes
wild
Than he asks the person
who has been to London what airline they flew? He than says he
flew Virgin Air and offered this advice…Never fly an airline
that has never been fucked…When he flew back to New York
he flew Air India. When he got off the plane and into the cab,
the pilot was driving the fucking cab. Then he talks about his
days as a drug counselor and one time one patient he was advising
said he would fail a urine test so Harry said, don’t worry,
for twenty bucks you can have a fresh sample of mine and the
guy gave him a twenty and he took a bottle of urine out of his
cabinet from his stash of urine for sale and gave it to the guy
and the judge threw him right in jail…Harry said to him
in the court room as he was being led away in handcuffs, thanks
for the money. I’ll SEE YOU IN TWENTY!! Then he closes
his set with a foreign tourist asks him what kind of accent does
he have and Harry says it’s a gay accent... Well where
is gay? Harry says close your eyes, open your mouth and I will
take you there!
He walks off stage, shakes my hand and
I immediately go up after him to a crowd still that is still
motivated to laugh. When I finished my set I walked up to Harry
to see how he was doing and said to me “ I so fucking needed that”.
Long Island born Martin Chaddock has been writing and performing
stand up comedy for over 16 years. He has performed in venues
from New York to Los Angeles and produced several successful
comedy & music events. He was most recently directed by actor
Frank Vincent in a comedy short that was based on Mr. Vincent’s
character “Billy Batts” from the Academy Award winning
film “Goodfellas”. He resides in New York City
where he performs on a regular basis.
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